Actors - Albuquerque

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	Actors - Albuquerque

"Albuquerque" is the last song (track 12) of "Weird Al" Yankovic's Running With Scissors album. It is also the longest song in the album, clocking in at 11 minutes and 23 seconds. It is not only the longest song in the album, but the longest song Yankovic has ever included on any of his official studio albums.

"Albuquerque" should only loosely be considered a song. With the exception of the choruses and occassional bridges, the track is mostly a spoken word narration about Yankovic's made-up life in Albuquerque, New Mexico, after winning a first-class one-way airplane ticket to the city. Though not a direct parody, the entire song mimics "Dick's Automotive" by The Rugburns so closely, it almost can be considered a direct parody. Its reliance on a repetitive, driving backing riff punctuated by occasional uptempo bursts and a basic chorus is also reminiscent of George Thorogood's lengthy "One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer."

There is also an obvious joke involving the song in the album jacket to Running With Scissors. In the beginning, it looks like a standard title header for any of the other songs on the album and the beginning of the song's lyrics are shown. However, the lyrics are cut off early, followed by this seemingly sarcastic message:

"You know what? The rest of these lyrics aren't gonna fit here. There's just no room left. What a drag, huh? I guess we didn't plan this out very well...probably should have used a smaller font or a bigger piece of paper or something. Sorry. We all just feel horrible about this. Well, I guess you'll just have to listen really carefully and try to figure out the words for yourself. Good luck."

Summary

The narrator lives happily in a box, but is forced by his mother to eat large quantities of sauerkraut for breakfast as it's supposed to be good for him. At the age of 26 1/2 (a reference to Yankovic's common hiding of the number 27 in many of his songs and videos, often thought by fans to be in teasing jest), he participates in the contest of a local radio station and wins a ticket to Albuquerque. The airplane trip is not very pleasant because of obnoxious people on the flight and a lack of salted peanuts and Dr. Pepper. Then the engines burn out and the plane crashes, leaving the narrator as the sole survivor because he "had his tray table up and his seat back in the full upright position".

Crash landing in the desert, he slowly crawls to Albuquerque, hauling along all his baggage, including his "lucky lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel". Finally he arrives in the city and checks into the hotel. As he is enjoying the comfort of his hotel room, there is a knock on the door. As he opens the door, a fat hermaphrodite with a Flock of Seagulls haircut and only one nostril barges in and, after a fierce struggle, makes off with the snorkel. The narrator vows to bring him to justice, but decides to go buy some donuts first.

The donut shop turns out to be entirely out of donuts and related pasteries (an obvious homage to Monty Python's Cheese Shop Sketch), and only carries a box of one dozen starving crazed weasels. Opening the box, the narrator is attacked by the weasels and, flailing around wildly on the streetside, meets the girl of his dreams - Zelda. They immediately become inseparable and quickly get married and have two children (Nathaniel and Superfly). However, when she asks him to join the Columbia Record Club he considers that too large a commitment and decides to leave her forever.

The narrator then achieves his lifelong dream of getting a job at the Sizzler, becoming employee of the month after putting out a grease fire with his face. When he sees a friend trying to move a sofa, he asks if he should help, but the friend sarcastically responds that he wants him to cut off his arms and legs with a chainsaw. So he does. This reminds him of a time that a beggar comes up to him on the street saying that he hasn't had a bite in three days. So he bites him in the jugular vein. The victim does not appreciate the irony.

Then the narrator loses track of the story and starts wondering what the point was that he was trying to make, finally coming to the conclusion that he hates sauerkraut.

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Actors - Albuquerque

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